When other friends shared their excitement over holiday get-togethers with their families, I would smile and nod, willing myself to focus on the potential for goodness in family gatherings. But for me, holidays had always been preceded by stress, anxiety and the anticipation of the tipping point at which the best of intentions would twist into hateful words, slammed doors and lots of crying. Family fights were our Christmas tradition; and no matter how much we denied their existence, we lived with the understanding of ‘when,’ not ‘if,’ the tension that floated just above our heads would sink into our bones and leave us all feeling hurt, isolated and spent.
The older I got, the more tense I became around every holiday. As a teenager, I’d lie awake at night when my older sisters came home to stay for Christmas, straining to hear their conversations with my Mom, then with each other, in an effort to gauge when the blow-up would occur.
After my Dad died and I took on primary caregiving duties for my Mom, though, I came to see the holiday visits from my elder siblings as a reprieve from my daily visits with her. I relished the chance to spend more dedicated time with my sons and husband, knowing that my Mom had company—and extra sets of eyes to watch over her. But what took me years to understand was that the disruption in my Mom’s schedule, and the anticipation of that disruption, only added to her existing holiday distress.
That distress manifested itself in two separate Christmas health scares, both of which landed her in the hospital with complications that stretched into the new year. Adding healthcare stressors to the holiday bouillabaisse just made matters worse.
Thanks for joining me, and here are a few tips to help you navigate healthcare stressors when supporting a loved one:
• Have you agreed on who will be the regular medical visit partner? Always have a friend or relative accompany your loved one to the doctor’s office to listen, to learn and to take copious notes. A consistent face, and voice, is ideal to support coordinated care, but even if you have to switch off partners on occasion, if at all possible, make sure your loved one doesn’t face doctors alone.
• Do you know what you need to cover with the doctors/nurses and what you hope to leave with a better understanding of? Having that clarity before a trip to the doctor will help guide your approach and questions.
• Does your medical visit partner have a notebook? It can be helpful to carry a notebook that lists all current medications and dosages as well as any history with those medications or others. I also liked to list all the symptoms my Mom had mentioned to me so that if she “forgot” any of them at the doctor, I could gently remind her.
• Take notes! List what is being reported as well as all suggestions/recommendations. Ask the medical staff to repeat themselves if necessary and read back what you think you heard for clarity’s sake. Better to take a few more minutes and feel confident about your understanding than to be rushed.
• What do you have a right to know/ask? If you can be put on the HIPPA-approved list, you are in a much better position to have a meaningful conversation with any healthcare provider.
• Bring along “comfort” items? Maybe some peanut butter crackers, a water bottle, a book or favorite magazine, some lavender essential oil for a quick sniff of solace? Don’t depend on wifi or electronic devices, either. Go “old school” and then try to relax. Anxiousness breeds anxiousness.